Developing Intimate Relationships

Dating, Dating, Dating....

So many people looking for love, connection, commitment with that one special person...

Here are some practical tips which will support your success especially for online dating.  These ideas ALSO apply to any dating situation.

First and foremost: you cannot tell who you are dealing with and what their true characteristics are for the first 90 days. 

Some call it the '90 day wonder.'  In the first 3 months of a dating relationship, people are on their best behavior.  They talk about all of their philosophy of relationships but not necessarily what they practice unconsciously.  For both men and women, they put their best foot forward and make themselves appealing to the other person.  You both will engage in heart to heart talks about what they believe, what they want, who they are looking for.  Positive feelings of well-being run high!
Then as if by magic, at the 90 day mark, their true character begins to come out.  It is as if another person shows up at the door.  They control their bad feelings less, their personal habits become more identifiable, they may become more controlling or less attentive.  They will go back to who they were before they met you.

Avoid being blind sided:

1. Don't talk about your past dating history, old flames or problems you've had before.  Women: don't call attention to what you perceive as your faults, especially with your body.  No man want to buy damaged goods.  And vise versa.
2. Keep conversation light and on current situations.  Avoid talking about problems with your family members or coworkers. 
3. Get to know the person through activity.  If you both like movies, or working out or trying new foods or restaurants do what you both like to do.   Think of how you dated in high school.  You spent time with a person because you liked them.
4. Avoid the 'looks good on paper' trap.  Spend time with them because of the way they treat you, treat others, and the fact they are likable.
5. Avoid believing things they say. Stick with the facts.  Look them up online if you want more information or have someone do a background report (this is especially recommended for online dating.)
6. AVOID HAVING SEX OR BEING INTIMATE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.  Once you have sex with someone it compromises your ability to think and understand information about the other person clearly and objectively.  I think this is one of the biggest mistakes couples make - having sex too early in the relationship. You'll know whether there is attraction and chemistry. 
7. Do not date serially.  In other words, especially with online dating, date as many as you can handle at once (which of course means you will not be having sex).  Get to know a variety of people who interest you.   Older adults make this mistake.  They start dating someone exclusively because 'they are the ONE,' only to find out later that they weren't THE ONE, and had to go looking again.
8. Set boundaries.  Do not have sex or do something you feel uncomfortable doing.  If they go away, they weren't worth it.  You are better off with someone else.
9. Have clear 'drop dead' criteria - things that you will not compromise on and then stick to them. I've seen too many people say, I don't want kids and really mean it and then end up raising someone else's kids because the ex-spouse didn't want the kids anymore or they became unfit as a parent.  If they have underage kids and you don't want kids, especially someone else's, MOVE ON.
10. If things start to get serious, go some research on them to make certain they are who they say they are.  Make sure they are not married to someone else, they are gainfully employed, like what they do, are honest and demonstrate integrity behaviorally.

Once you are thinking you might want to spend more time with this person....:

1. Do they do what they say they are going to do?
2. Have they demonstrated their ability to commit long term (if this is what you want?)
3. How do they treat their ex's and others in their life?
4. Do you catch them in little lies or are they forthcoming when they are not with you about what they are doing with their time?
5. Are they transparent about their finances?
6. Do they respect your boundaries?
7. Do they respect your values?
8. Do they have similar ideas about child rearing, money, faith?
9. Do you make excuses for them?
10. If you are a big family person, do they get along with your family members and do they like each other?

There are some big presuppositions in the above ideas: (You must be the person you want to be with)

1. Do you know what your boundaries are and how to firmly set them?
2. Do you know how to communicate your wants and desires without fear of rejection?
3. Do you take responsibility for your own feelings and let them take responsibility for theirs?
4. Do you know what your values are?
5. Are you willing to compromise?
6. Are you willing to honor things that are important to the other person?  For example: If they like a particular holiday, do you make a big deal of it to honor them even though it is not a big deal to you?
7. Are you willing to give them the same kind of latitude in freedom that you want?
8. Are you jealous or feel uncomfortable when they spend time with others?
9. Do you trust yourself?  (Because if you don't, you cannot trust others.)
10. Can you objectively see things from another's point of view?  (If you cannot, you will make both of you miserable.)
11. Do you take things too personally or are you too sensitive?  Work on yourself. You'll never find someone that won't offend you at some point in time.

Talk is cheap.  It is the behavior you want to pay attention.  If you find yourself making excuses for this person, get out and find someone else.  Work on yourself.  NO ONE can make you happy or complete. 

To be in a healthy long term relationship, you must be willing to trust the trustable, know yourself, see things from another's point of view, set boundaries and keep them, honor other's boundaries and values, don't take things personally.

Know with all your being that there are no perfect people but there are perfect values. Spend time with someone you can be friends with first.  If you like them as a friend, you'll love them as partner.

Key: Manage activity in time

·         Plan, Plan, Plan.  Taking time to plan is essential to good activity management.  Otherwise you are just, as I call it, ‘running and gunning.’  You’ll start feeling like you are a pinball.

·         List of activities WRITTEN

·         How much time will each take? – be realistic BUT be generous

·         Do you have enough time to do the task next at hand?

·         How are tasks connected to something valuable – we tend to do things that are important to us or to someone else who is important to us

·         Prioritize – critical function or  ‘like to do’  Assign a number to  each task or activity from 1-5, 5 being the most important right now

·         Is what you are doing best accomplished IN TIME or THROUGH TIME?  Through Time is process: a number of steps to get there and those steps are taken over a period of time.  In Time are events that are single.

·         For Through Time activities, start with the end in mind and work backwards through the steps.

·         Set Boundaries WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS – Strong internal and external boundaries are essential to be effective in managing activities.  Internal boundaries are about discipline: saying yes or no to you, inner control.  External boundaries are about others and your environment, saying yes or no to external situations.  If you need help with this, there are excellent books on the subject.

·         Focus:

o   Get focused, stay focused and stay on purpose

o   Focus on one thing at a time – you cannot do two things at once.  You may think you can, but the mind doesn’t work that way.  You may think you can talk to a customer while entering data on a spread sheet, but you cannot do a good job at either because you are not 100% present to either. .  Your customer will begin to sense that you go in and out of being present.  Determine which is most important and let the other go until later.

·         ELIMINATE DISTRACTIONS – A messy desk is distracting.  A ringing phone is distracting.  Checking your email every two seconds or texting people is distracting.

·         Tell yourself ‘I have plenty of Time’ rather than ‘I’m running out of time.’

·         Use MOVE TOWARDS language – ‘I want this……’ rather than ‘I don’t want this…’

·         Ask for help

·         Do what you do well, let someone else do the rest

·         Use appropriate OPERATING MODE words – how to you language things that you are motivated to do?  Do you ‘have to’, ‘need to do’, ‘want to do’, ‘should do’ them.  Then take what you want to do, are able to do, but don’t do and change your language around those activities.

·         Remember, stuff happens: the network goes down, you lose electricity, a family member needs attention, or  someone gets sick.  The best way to inoculate from these things is to plan for them because they happen.  Notice, even when people have to take off long periods of time because of disaster or sickness, eventually life goes back to normalcy and things get done.  Being flexible is the key and focusing on what you want and what you are moving towards rather than getting caught up in what is happening now.  Not every plan can be perfectly executed.

·         Effective management of activity is a process of learning.  If you need help, find someone who is excellent at it and model them.  Find out how they do what they do. 

·         Stress:

o   Find ways to reduce stress.  Undue stress causes memory loss and mistakes.  Mistakes are time wasters

o   Give yourself time off.  No one can safely live on adrenaline for long periods of time.

·         Know that you will be ‘screaming’ busy sometimes  and sometimes you won’t.  Enjoy the downtime.